Actor’s Covid-19 Quarantine – Week One – Still Alive

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I am an actor and writer, home alone. An introvert, told to stay inside for the foreseeable future.  As long as there are books, snacks, wine and internet access, what could possibly go wrong?

Quarantine Day 1

Monday 23 March 2020 – Safe at Last

All performing work was cancelled over a week ago to protect everyone. Today, survival job, told us we could stay home… Finally. Not that people leaving to get home to their family or resigning for their health and wellbeing had any effect. Only when government intervention to force closure was immiment.

Couldn’t happen soon enough as it was only a matter of time before I lost my **** with customers totally ignoring social distancing, wiping their noses across hands and then rummaging through the stock and getting grumpy with me for not accepting a grubby mitt-full of change.

My knuckles are dry and cracked. Looks like I’ve sandpapered them, from all the times I washed my hands today. Close call, as I was also on the verge of stealthily adding an apocolyptic soundtrack to the shop’s music playlist.

Now officially in quarantine and realised there is no wine, very little food or toilet paper. Haven’t been able to buy any due to all the covidiots stockpiling.

Quarantine Day 2

Tuesday 24 March 2020 – British Hunger Games

Wondering whether wine purchase is “essential”. The UK government have told us that we are now only allowed to leave the house for one short bout of exercise per day, for ‘essential’ work and shopping.

I’m an actor, most of my work seems to be deemed non-essential or undervalued during the best of times, let alone global pandemic *cries*. Everyone is soooo grateful for Netflix now though right?

Covidiots are apparently still gallavanting out and about, enjoying the sunshine.  Some of them are in Aldi too.  I had to venture out of the house because there is no chance of getting a home delivery until at least Christmas 2025.

Whilst I was stood at a shelf deciding what to pick, people were coming right up and standing beside me. Just said, “For ****s sake” at one point when I had to move from the end of an aisle for the second time and circle again because a woman came and stood right next to me. In retrospect, I should’ve pretend coughed. Bet that would have put a rocket up her assets.

People were also queuing, next to each other, all the way down the edge of the bread aisle at one point. I circled the aisles like a hungry vulture, waiting for them to disperse before risking going to pay. I feel incredibly sorry for the people who are still having to work there.

Till lady laughed at me for stocking up on “essentials” because a bottle of gin and tonic had accidentally found their way between the eggs and toilet roll. I know! Toilet roll! I almost fell onto the pallet when I saw that.

Apparently we are in District B of the British Hunger Games should things really kick-off.  May the odds forever be in your favour.

Quarantine Day 3

Wednesday 25 March 2020 – Adulting Phase 1 Complete

Today woke up with catface laying on my back like a floofy turtle.. again. Sonface made me coffee in bed. Did not leave the house. I wrote four pages of new stuff. Did adulting. Emailed council this afternoon, they replied this afternoon. There is still gin and toilet roll in the house. Kickstarted houseplant rejuvenation initiative. No bills arrived. Ate mackerel out of a tin in bed. Didn’t kill neighbours. Changed socks. Memed all over the place. A good day. If things carry on like this, I won’t want quarantine to end.

Quarantine Day 4

Thursday 26 March 2020 – RIP Cress Chicken

Still inside. Strange dreams. Bedroom smells fishy. A bit phlegmy. Could be dying. Could just be breathing in too many cat hairs. Did a quickie course to relearn css… Boring. Now understand why it fell out of my head in the first place. Ate chocolate until I felt sick. Cress chicken may be dead. Changed pants. Neighbours strangely quiet and can’t hear cars outside anymore. Glorious.

Should have been at work today. I’m not, so I can actually do real (creative) work. That’s the plan anyway, if I can stop being distracted by hilarious Covid-19 and introvert memes.

Quarantine Day 5

Friday 27 March 2020 – Self-Employed Spitroasting

Now only communicating with the outside world via meme. Washing machine is making strange noises. I’ve no plans (or money) if it explodes.

Realised I haven’t used deodorant since Day 1. No need. Not moving much. Would like to just lounge in the bath, but that risks consuming limited and valuable resources. Besides, I ran out of bath bombs days ago. Fresh socks *and* pants today. Thought I would treat myself.

By the sound  of the yelling from next door, the neighbours have already begun to lose their shit.

At around 8pm last night, people cheered and clapped outside. Maybe it was a humanitarian aid airdrop of supplies from Europe, or the locals caught the Asda shop lifter and… Well, I don’t want to imagine.

The self-employed tribe have evolved to full ferality. They’re on their own now. They may be taking the law into their own hands. Maybe I’ll risk a peek through the venetian blinds later. Coffee first.

Quarantine Day 6

Saturday 28 March 2020 – Apocolypse Now

Catface and I have bonded. He leaves gifts of fur daily on my duvet for me to collect. I should have enough by winter for a new sweater.

Offspring’s offspring came to exchange contaminants. I sheep dipped her in dettol. Thankfully she stopped screaming about how much her eyeballs stang, once I gave her my last remaining oreos. Birthday ones. Strange, because it isn’t my birthday..

Reminisced with myself about the time, in the last millenia, when we used to wait for apocolypses to happen… and they never did. How we laughed.

Quarantine Day 7

Saturday 28 March 2020 – Wobbly Platform

Woke up at 2am. Heard a noise and thought a burglar was rummaging through all my stuff, searching for something valuable. Lay there, still and quiet, hoping that, when he realised I had ****all, he might feel sorry for me and leave me a fiver before he left. Then remembered I wouldn’t be able to spend real money now, even if he did. Anyway, it turned out that it was just catface being a bellend.

An invoice from last month has been paid. Looks like I can hold off Googling Human recipies for another few weeks. Note to other surivivors: Maybe don’t choose ‘The Platform’ as quarantine viewing.

Ordered seeds for when veggies become as scarce as trying to find humanity in a politician.

When changing my duvet cover, I found a sock. Felt a strange joy in reuniting it with it’s sibling for the first time, in a long time.

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