bbfn Acting Like I’m Not Really Here

Image saying bye
πŸ•’ 1 minute read

From 3pm today (January 17th) I will be vanishing for a month or two. I don’t want to, but I don’t have a choice. This website, once I submit the url to the university, will become off limits to me. It enters the ‘coursework’ zone’ as part of my MA and I won’t be permitted to make any changes to it until it has been marked. Am I breaking the fourth wall of coursework?

On the plus side, I guess I will have lots to waffle about when I get back.Β On the 30th we will hit the stage with two short plays by Noel Coward at The Assembly House in Norwich. Once I get my coursework in, I have a voice-over for a short story to do for a local writer, CAST said they would be contacting me about some training this year. I’m also off to do a couple of workshops and potentially starting the research and writing of a new script.

I’m not totally falling off the planet though so, in the meantime, if you want to get in touch, give my contact page a click and my form will squirrel me over an email.

Or give that subscribe button a click and I’m guaranteed toΒ get incredibly excited about having a new followerΒ  pop back for a sneak peak to see what’s going on.

See you on the other side…..

Image of running chipmunks

The Humpback Whale – INFP – Youtopia Project

πŸ•’ 1 minute read

A little bit of light relief from research and essay writing. I stumbled over Youtopia on my web travels. It had one of those ‘Take the test’, to find out what personality you are, assessments. I know I usually oscillate between INFP or ENFP but this one made me giggle as it compared me to a humpback whale. I know I’ve eaten way too much junk food over Christmas but still, that’s just rude πŸ˜‚ It was pretty spot on though….about my personality, not my post Christmas over-indulgence.

Which animal are you in the world of Youtopian personalities?

Source: The Humpback Whale – INFP – Youtopia Project

Come, into The Garden, Maud – Hair and there

πŸ•’ 1 minute read

We’ve been trying out costumes for the Great Hall Players production of ‘Come into the Garden, Maud’ for the past couple of weeks. I do love the evening dress I shall be wearing for the post-party scene. Although IΒ don’t like it quite as much as the one I couldn’t get my rib cage zipped into. Weight I can lose, but I can’t lose ribcage πŸ˜‚

I am now puzzling over how I can quick-change from 1960s casual hair to evening hair, when I am on stage for a lot of the play. I think it could be a challenge. I might play about with speed-glamming up a bouffant tomorrow. It will humour me, whilst simultaneously helping to sooth my ‘essay writing’ and ‘Christmas-shopping-with-next-to-no-money’ pain πŸ˜‚

I quite fancy the idea of experimenting to see if I can create something like the Missy Sue up-do tutorial below, I found on YouTube. I think it might be quite elegant if I can pull it off in the time that I have and if the director thinks it suits the scene. I want to be confident that I can get my hair up well within the time I have off-stage.Β I will time the scene when we are next in rehearsals to see how long I have. Ah, the magic of the theatre. The play is being performed live and ‘in-the-round’ so there will be no hiding if I stride back on the stage and my hair starts flapping about mid-scene.

 

Postgraduate Pains

Image of torn material
πŸ•’ 2 minutes read

I should have left classes this afternoon. There was no point in my being there. I was having trouble breathing and on the verge of tears and I really could not concentrate on anything. I just wanted to get out of there.

Three months of lectures, travelling to London, working two jobs, living on vegetable soup and accruing a student loan debt and for what? I have four large papers to write by January because I’ve been too busy working around my lecture days. Both my jobs have just ended, just in time for Christmas. I have three days of stuffing envelopes for the university and then I am officially income-less into the new year, until I can find further work and my next student loan payment – which will mostly be consumed by my student fees

Walking the hour and a bit walk home, and I was glad that no one can see or hear the mess I was in. I knew studying for a postgraduate degree and working at the same time wasn’t going to be easy. The pressures of trying to manage a Masters course, on top of sixteen hours work, the time of getting from A to B, the travelling to London, whilst still trying to do rehearsals, theatre performances, learn lines and find time to see family has been immense.

I have been awake late into a Sunday night/Monday morning knowing that I am totally unprepared to take my seminar of students the next morning, but I also had a job to be at before my teaching class started. Before two of my classes my anxiety levels were so far off the scale I panicked and ran out of work, to my class, thinking I was late, only to find I was an hour too early.

I hoped I could find further work to see me through to the end of the course. I’d hoped I could fit it all in. But there just doesn’t seem to be enough hours in the day.Β  I’m missing a class that is important for our coursework tomorrow because I was offered work, filling envelopes on campus, and I couldn’t turn it down because I need the money. I guess I made it a third of the way through the course, so it’s better than nothing, but at the moment I am feeling very sceptical about the whole ‘work hard and it will pay off’ thing.

If I had not returned to study, the national and local government would have given me ‘benefits’ but because I am working hard to build a self-sustainable career for myself and investing my time and money into my self development, the system would rather watch me struggle alone.

It’s heartbreaking but I won’t give in easily. I will hang on until the very last penny is gone before I give up. I think I have enough money to make it through until February/March if I continue to be frugal and I can keep looking for further work in the meantime. I have come too far and this year has already given me enough pain and taken too much away from me.

I know that I am going to be in a much better position than those who seem to think the world owes them, who think they don’t have to work at all to get anywhere, because they will break at the first hurdle, when the going gets tough. But I am a fighter and I will fight until there is no fight left.

Acting like everything is ok

πŸ•’ 1 minute read

Feeling sick. Spent the day too distracted to take in much of anything. Anxiety levels off the scale. Could barely breath. Been a stressful week. It’s looking like, despite all the hard work I won’t be able to carry on with my Master’s degree after Chistmas. Too upset at the moment to think straight but it’s not looking promising. I am so stressed I don’t know whether I am coming or going. Spent all day trying not to cry. Just need to get home so that I can let it all out and then try to figure out what to do next.